So... how does this work?
Well, while Albert's still banged up,
we wait for Mickey to find us a mark.
Turn to page 15.
Our new marks.
Carlton Wood and Harry Fielding.
Two for the price of one.
What's IPR?
Intellectual property rights.
Wood and Fielding run a company called City Prime Associates.
They specialise in intellectual property. Trademarks, patents, that kind of thing.
Usually...
for high-end technology.
So, why them?
- What do we need most in a mark? - Money.
- Greed. - Exactly.
While it's true to say they have their snouts firmly in the trough,
they do so at other people's expense.
Six months ago,
Paul Fowler, the owner of a small family business,
approached them with a prototype for a new security device.
Eventually the patent was granted. But to another security company.
And guess what?
The other security company is owned by City Prime Associates.
- Thieving bastards. - The whole thing went to court,
but the family business found itself
up against the full might of Wood and Fielding's legal team.
They didn't stand a chance.
So he killed himself?
He left behind a wife and four children.
On the evening of Paul Fowler's funeral,
I found Wood and Fielding
at their private members' club drinking champagne.
So they get my vote.
Mine too.
I guess that makes it unanimous.
So, what do you think of our new recruits?
She's sharp as a bleeding scalpel. And she's fit, which never hurts.
Little brother's bright enough, but I wouldn't exactly call him a grifter yet.
But get this. He wants to be an actor.
Emma's trying to save up enough to send him to drama school.
So I was thinking, maybe we should start simple.
Give them time to get on their feet.
Where's the fun in that?
You're just gonna chuck them in the deep end, aren't you?
Yeah.
Great. So, when it goes wrong, we can all go and join Albert in the nick.
Ash, it won't go wrong. They're ready. That's why they're here.
You know they were farmed out when they were kids?
Went from one home to another as far as I can make out.
Did a runner when she was fourteen and he was nine.
Been on the streets ever since.
You know what?
You might have found someone who hates the system just as much as you do.
We need to find out exactly how these guys operate,
so we can find a way in.
Now, City Prime offices are located on Chamberlain Street.
Get yourself down there. Find the wine bar nearest the offices.
And then, nice and easy, chat to people.
See if they know Wood and Fielding. Find out what you can about them, OK?
What sort of thing, exactly?
Personal detail. What they drink, what sort of woman they like, what sports they play.
You know, whether they voted for Ken or Boris,
- What star sign they are. - Sure.
Gotcha.
Be back here in a couple of hours.
OK.
So...
what do you want me to do?
Well, I thought we could work the inside together.
- OK. - Good.
Can I...
ask you something?
Yeah, of course.
You really dislike these two, don't you?
I dislike what they represent.
And you always get emotionally involved with your marks?
- Well, if I don't, it's just about the money. - And that's a bad thing?
For me... yes, it is.
And so, this design we feel will make Spider's Web the new market leader.
Ah.
We're now ready for any questions you may have.
Yeah, I have a question.
It's about your company's recruitment strategy.
Er, excuse me?
Well, I was just wondering, do you advertise for morons,
or do you just take people with the lowest IQ you can find
and train them down?
No? Not an answer, nothing?
We asked you for a campaign that would launch this product
into the international arena overnight,
and you come here and you pitch us with a picture of a bloody spider's web.
- Well, in PR... - Oh, now he's talking.
Now he's got something to say. Shut up! I'm talking.
- This might seem like a... - Shut up!
The product is called Spider's Web.
So what we were hoping for was just a hint of imagination.
- Er, but if you... - Oh, please, for the love of God, shut it!
If the product had been called Aardvark, I'd expect a little more for my 50 grand
than a picture of a sodding anteater!
Comprende?
Now piss off!
- I... - Out!
Move! You cannot leave this office fast enough!
Out!
Sorry.
- Blimey! Thanks for that. - Don't worry.
- What's your name? - Nick.
- Steve. - Steve.
Pull up a stool, join us.
Looks like quite a setup.
Looks like Wood is the business brain, Fielding does the technical stuff.
I wonder how Sean's getting on.
- Good drink. - More, please.
All right? Good drink, guys, huh?
How you doing? Good?
Yeah! Whoo!
He should be here by now.
He'll be here.
I'm back.
Sean?
Sorry I'm late.
Er... it was hard to get away.
I had to drink champagne, tequila,
and this tiny little green thing they would not tell me the name of.
Did you learn anything in-between drinks?
Yes.
It's all up here, Mr. Bricks.
You can't imagine how worrying that is.
Right.
Carlton Wood and Harry Fielding.
Carlton studied corporate law, bit of a hotshot,
started City Prime four years ago.
Harry studied science and engineering. They teamed up a year and a half ago.
Well, we're not going to get anything out of him.
Anyway, both born with a silver spoon up their jacks.
Two ruthless individuals, not least with each other.
Right. So, now we've got a product launch without a bloody PR company.
Well, you were the one who called them morons and threw them out.
You are such an arse!
What they do is bloody clever.
So, their primary business is registering and protecting intellectual property?
Well, yeah. But I reckon it's a front.
For what?
Over the last 18 months, they've registered nine smaller companies.
Now, it's impossible to be sure, but each one of those companies
seem to be launched off the back of a single new innovation.
Explain.
Well, they were all registered,
launched one product, then sold shortly afterwards.
Right. So, they steal a new technology using City Prime,
set up another company to exploit it and then sell that company on to make a fortune.
Exactly.
And Paul Fowler's company?
Well, as far as I can make out,
Fowler took them his prototype security device.
It's designed to attach to paintings and rare works of art
to prevent them being stolen.
They took on a contract to obtain a patent,
then they went back to Fowler a few weeks later
and told him the idea was already protected with a similar product called...
Spider's Web.
Basically, they're two nasty little bastards on the make.
So, how do we get to them?
Well, the quickest way would be to invent something that they want to nick.
No. No, that puts us in their world and puts them in the driving seat.
No. I need an edge.
Sean.
- Sean! - What else did you find out about them?
Who?
Wood and Fielding.
Oh.
Oh, they're posh as you like. They love birds, booze, fast cars.
Detail, Sean.
Erm, well...
Harry drinks black coffee, he supports the Arsenal,
shoves half the Colombian cocaine output up his nose.
Bit of a dickhead.
Carlton's the brains of the operation. Drinks energy drinks, thinks football's gay,
got a thing for brunettes with natural assets,
and just done the London Marathon in two...
in two hours and thirty-seven minutes.
There was something about a security company they've got a big stake in,
just come up with some amazing new product, Spider something.
- Web? - That's the one, Spider Web, yeah.
Something to do with precious art and museums.
Anyway, they were well excited about the launch,
but have had to delay it because they sacked their PR company.
Carlton plays badminton every Wednesday, he is left-handed,
he gets a massage afterwards, likes Michael Bublé and voted for Boris.
Harry got mugged three months ago so he's recently taken up martial arts.
He voted for Boris too and he's a fan of Mika.
From what I can tell, everyone I spoke to hated them and the barmaid in their local...
Get this. The barmaid in their local spits in their drinks.
We got our way in, then. PR.
- You nearly blew it. - I thought I did all right.
- Sean, you passed out. - He sent me out to get pissed.
No, he didn't. He sent you out on a recce. You have to try and be smarter.
You're the smart one. You got the brains, I got the looks.
- I'm serious. - I know.
Look, maybe you three would be better without me.
- No. - Come on, sis.
It was all right when it was just you and me,
when I was playing your boyfriend or standing on a corner collecting wallets.
This is different. These guys are out of my league.
Yeah, well, they're out of mine too, but we can learn.
You deserve all this. I'm just going to get in your way.
No.
No, we do this together like we've always done.
- Just... - Be smarter.
Yes.
You really want this, don't you?
- Yeah, I do. - Yeah.
Best behaviour. Promise.
Eddie! Meet Emma and Sean. You'll be seeing a lot more of them.
All right.
Very nice to meet you.
- All right? - Yeah.
So, er... Are you grifters too, then, are you?
Eddie's like an honorary member of the team.
Yeah. So, no trying out your little games on me. OK? Cos I'm too smart.
We'll try and remember that, Eddie.
- Good. Right. What can I get you? - Four beers.
Three beers and a very strong black coffee.
Er, excuse me.
You haven't said anything yet.
- About what? - About the new decor.
I thought I'd go for a bit of a fusion, you know, between, erm...
like Art Deco and New Romantic with just a hint of Moroccan.
I've been watching that house show on the telly, it's given me loads of good ideas.
- It's... It's lovely. - You're still selling beer, though?
Course I am.
Well, let's have a look at those first, eh?
Yes.
So, the Spider's Web launch is the thing they're excited about
and I think that's our way in.
Now, Sean, you said they sacked their PR company.
- That's what I was told. - All right, all right.
Well, we know they go into the Alibi Bar every evening after work.
So, use the contacts you met in there to give you an introduction.
And when you're in their company, talk about a genius PR woman
you're meeting in there for a drink later on.
That'll be me, I take it.
Have you ever seen Ash in a dress? It's not a pretty sight.
I've got great legs. It's the top half lets me down.
So, we pretend to be from this PR company, and we flog 'em a great idea?
Something like that.
It's going to be a tough sell. They're more likely to talk to us
if we're a PR company with a proven track record.
Hmm. Then we'll have to create our own brand.
- How? - Auto suggestion.
What's that?
OK. Don't think of an elephant. OK? Do not think of an elephant.
Now, if they use the same route from work to the bar every evening...
- The first thing that popped into your mind? - An elephant.
Auto suggestion.
We'll need to create our own brand name.
So, come on, then, seriously, you know. What d'you think? What d'you reckon?
- Yeah, it's very nice, Eddie. - Yeah?
Do you reckon it says "New London"?
- Absolutely. - Yeah? Mick, what do you reckon?
Er, yes. I think it's, er, it's very nice what you've done.
I was thinking about putting on a bit of grub as well, you know,
cos that's where the money is, like.
Thought I'd carry on the fusion, sort of like east meets west, you know.
So, I could have, erm, bangers and noodles,
or, erm, sweet and sour pork and chips, you know.
- That's genius. - Yeah, it's inspired, mate. Brilliant.
Thank you very much.
It's not a bad name for a PR company.
Hello, could you put me through to New London Media, please?
OK, Sean. Do you know what to do?
Yeah. I'm an accounts manager
who's here to meet the head honcho of a PR firm and his creative bird.
They are gonna launch my new financial services to the international market.
When we come in, just introduce us and we'll do the rest.
There.
- Straight to the bar like clockwork. - Nice.
OK. Fifteen minutes enough?
- Make it 45. - All right.
- And Sean... - Yeah, I know. Stick to orange juice.
- Nice tits. - Shame about the face.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm... I'm here to meet these two head honchos
from this really hot PR company.
Yeah. Oh, look! Here they are now.
Be smart.
Be smart. Be smart.
Hey, Steve.
Nick.
- How you doing? - Guys. Guys.
Harry, Carlton, meet Nick. Good friend of mine.
Harry, Carlton, good to meet you.
- Shots. - Shots.
- Hey, can I grab a juice? - It's OK.
You know, this has been more fun than I thought.
Yes, it has. Yeah.
- And don't worry about Sean. He'll be fine. - Oh, I don't doubt that.
Short hair suits you.
- It's itching like hell. - Well, no pain, no gain.
Oh, really? Cos I haven't seen much pain from your part of the forest.
That's because you have no idea how silly I'd look in a wig.
- Be fun to see, though. - Yes, I'm sure it would.
It must be weird for you, working with someone new.
I can honestly say it's a pleasure.
Thank you.
- So much so that I was thinking... - Hm?
...that maybe when we're done here, we could, er, get to know each other better.
Over dinner, perhaps?
Mm-hm.
It might help, you know, working together and...
Yeah, I can see the sense in that.
If that's all it was...
business.
And if it wasn't?
The thing is...
I don't do men.
- Oh. - Oh, no, no. I'm not a lesbian either.
Oh, it's just that I've been hustling on the streets since I was 14 and...
...men haven't exactly covered themselves in glory with me.
So...
It's just that if you don't ask then I won't have to say no.
OK.
Look, I'm... I'm really glad we got that out of the way so quickly.
Really?
Really.
- OK. Time to, erm, go to work. - Yeah. OK.
Should be...
- Yeah. - OK.
Sis!
Sis? Er...
Sh!
Cecilia. Cecilia Crawford. We were supposed to have a meeting.
Right, you're the, er... Yeah, you're the PR people.
Yeah, he was, erm... Well, he was telling us all about you.
Before he collapsed.
- Come on, Cec. We're wasting our time. - Hold on. What company are you with?
New London Media.
- I've heard of them. - Yes. Hold on, you're quite...
You're quite a big outfit, aren't you?
Well, we're the best at what we do if that's what you mean.
Listen, why don't you, erm, why don't you join us for a drink?
I'll, erm... I'll get him a cab.
Yeah, that'd be great.
- I love you. - Let's get a cab.
Look, the thing is we're actually looking for a decent PR company ourselves.
So... maybe we could do some business together.
Shame to have a wasted trip. Now that your other meeting's not happening.
One drink.
OK.
Great.
Cheers, mate.
Ooh!
Well, seems to me if this security device is completely fail-safe...
Which it is.
Mm. Then what you'll need is a gimmick that portrays that.
- Go on. - Erm, I'm sorry. But, er...
I'd feel better having a contract in place before we had this conversation.
Oh, don't be a knob.
Yeah, don't be a knob. We're only having a chat.
Anyway, I thought she was the creative genius.
She is. She's also very expensive.
All right, all right. Tell you what, er...
Call this... an interim contract. OK?
So, "I...
"promise to sign...
"your contract...
"if you stop...
"being a knob."
Stop being a knob.
OK?
Now, if you come up with any ideas that we can use,
we'll sign a contract and make sure you get paid fairly.
And I have your word on that?
Absolutely.
Cec?
Well...
There's no harm in throwing a few ideas around, I guess.
No harm.
So, you were saying something about a... about a gimmick.
So, can you guarantee
- That this web device can't be beaten? - One hundred per cent.
Harry's my technical expert. If he says it's foolproof, then it's foolproof.
Are you in this for the long haul or will you sell the company quickly?
- Why, does it make a difference? - Of course it makes a difference.
Well, quick sale.
Right. Well...
Then you need in-your-face marketing. Something that's gonna grab the headlines.
So...
You don't insure whatever your Spider's Web is gonna protect against theft.
What? That's ridiculous.
- We can't possibly do that. - No. It's quite a guarantee.
And not only that, but your potential client will save a fortune in premiums.
- They'll be queuing up... - But no insurance would mean...
No. You can insure it for damages, just not against theft.
Either it's a foolproof system or it isn't.
I also understand that, erm,
the London Gallery is going to be exhibiting an Isaac Moore painting.
It would be quite the PR coup if you could use that as your first gig.
- Brilliant. - What?
It's genius.
It will certainly create a buzz.
It certainly would. You are very good.
Yes, I am.
So, er, do I take it you're interested
- In using Cecilia's marketing idea? - Yeah. Bloody brilliant.
- Then I'll have the contract drawn up. - Hmm?
Contract?
Yeah, absolutely.
Good, good.
We'll be in touch.
It was a good job our little friend couldn't hold his drink.
- Yeah. - Cheers.
You know, it's strange, I could have sworn Nick told me he was teetotal.
Yeah. I wondered what the whole orange juice thing was about. So I spiked it.
Truth is, he was a... he was a bit of an oik.
Really?
And let's be honest. If you don't drink, what the bloody hell are you doing in a bar?
So, you're a drinking man, then?
Hell, yes.
Well, why don't we celebrate our new partnership properly? Hmm?
With a drinking contest.
- Cecilia... - No, yeah. OK. We're up for it.
No. Just you and me.
What?
Fielding, don't let the side down.
She's a girl. I'm sorry, no offence.
Oh, none taken.
I thought we had another meeting.
It's just a quick drink.
Set them up.
Have another one!
Down, down, down!
Come on!
It's a shame. I thought he'd put up more of a fight.
Yeah, well, he never could take his drink.
Well, I'll be seeing you very soon.
Harry, you're a disgrace.
Emma, was that absolutely necessary?
Yeah, he had it coming.
- Whoa! - Oh.
All right, all right.
Yeah, maybe that third bottle was a mistake.
Or the second, hmm?
- About earlier... - Mm-hm?
The dinner thing.
- Maybe we sh... - We had the conversation.
And you were right. We shouldn't mix business with pleasure.
Hm.
- Oh! - Yes.
- Taxi! - Yes.
- Yeah! - That was exactly what I was going to say.
- Oh, where's Sean? - Come on, come on.
- Emma, let me talk to him. - OK.
Look, if you've come to give me a lecture, I'm not interested.
I didn't intend to.
Thanks, Eddie.
I remember when Albert sent me out on my first job.
It was my first long con.
He was playing a US congressman called Walter Kaplan and I was his assistant.
And my first job was to pick up the mark,
a businessman, and take him to Albert's hotel.
I got to the mark on time,
picked him up and took him to the wrong hotel...
...where he bumped into an old friend who persuaded him not to invest in our deal.
What did Albert say?
He said, "It's all in the detail, kid."
He was happy because he knew I'd learnt a lesson.
It was a lesson I never forgot.
And from that day to this, I double-check everything.
Twice.
So what are you trying to tell me? I need to learn not to get rat-arsed?
No, I think you should... you should do what Albert did.
When things don't go according to plan,
you dust yourself off and move on.
Or maybe you... you admit you're out of your depth and move on.
You could do that. But the thing about grifters...
Well, the thing about real grifters,
is they never know when they're beaten.
So the question isn't "Am I out of my depth?" or "Should I move on?"
The question is...
"Do I want to be a grifter?"
Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much for joining us at our product launch.
And we launch it this morning
to coincide with the new exhibition at the London Gallery.
- Yes? - Will the Web be used at the exhibition?
Harry?
Harry.
As we speak, the, er, Web is being fixed to Isaac Moore's Winter Lake.
After the recent art thefts in Toronto and Berlin,
we can 100% guarantee
that there is no way the same thing will happen here.
You're saying it can't be stolen?
Absolutely. It's a physical impossibility.
In fact, er...
...this is why the Web will be used in every major gallery in the world.
There is no need to insure against theft simply because it can't happen,
thereby saving galleries millions of pounds in premiums.
Thank you very much. Thank you for asking all the right questions.
Well, you know...
Ah! It's the dynamic duo.
- Well, that seemed to go down well. - Yes, it did, didn't it?
And the no insurance thing worked.
- Like a dream. - Well, I knew it would.
And you did the deal with the London Gallery?
Hmm, yeah, well, the no insurance thing made it a no-brainer.
- Excellent. Well, I've brought the contract. - Contract for what?
For using our services.
Ah, well, we won't be.
- What? - Well, we don't really need you any more.
I mean, we've had the product launch.
- But you used our idea. - I think it was my idea actually.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, I'm pretty sure I said it first.
You know that's not true.
Harry?
Hard to say, really. I mean, we were all drinking, chatting, ideas bouncing around,
but, no. Wait. Yeah.
I'm pretty damn sure Carlton said it first.
- See? - We'll take this to the courts.
Well, I'll look forward to that. And don't forget to bring all your proof with you.
You know, dated letters, emails, etc, outlining your idea.
Oh, shit. You haven't got any, have you?
He's got a beer mat.
Yes, the beer mat. Now the judge will love that.
Whose name did you sign it with?
- You know, I can't remember. - Was it Mr. Knob?
Yes, quite possibly. Mr. Knob.
So, how did it go?
They refused to sign the contract.
No. So they stole the idea without paying us.
Yes, they did.
Oh, well, Mr. Bricks...
Just when I was starting to think you lot were superhuman.
Knowing you screwed up I don't feel like so much of a prat.
Well, I'm... I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself.
I've missed something here, haven't I?
To bend someone's will, you have to find the one thing they cherish most
and threaten it.
They've just launched their brand-new security device to the art world.
Something they have so much confidence in, they've come up with a gimmick.
Isaac Moore's Winter Lake, they're not insuring it for theft.
- Yeah, but that was your idea. - Precisely.
You're gonna have to spell this out for me.
All right. Why would we go to all this trouble
to make sure they didn't insure that painting?
So you could nick it.
- Yeah. - Hurrah.
All right. They'd have to stump up the money themselves.
Which would break them.
So, that's what this was all about? Setting them up?
What about the security thing? It's supposed to be foolproof.
Yeah, it is, but Ash has been working on how to beat it.
And how's it going?
Well, I'm working on it.
- You can beat it, though? - Yeah. Yeah, of course, yeah.
Cos that would be really stupid, wouldn't it?
To set all this up and not be able to steal the painting.
Oh, don't worry, Ash can beat anything.
Ladies and gentlemen, Winter Lake.
I got it!
No, no, no, no...
No, no, no.
Wakey, wakey, rise and shine.
- Er, yeah. - All right.
Well?
Virtually every alarm ever made, you can deal with
because at some point it has an entry system,
and if you can get at it, you can bypass it somehow.
Now...
The Spider's Web security system is like a mesh.
A bit like this.
Er... were they my fishnets?
Sorry, needs must and all that.
Miniature chips are embedded in the mesh
and it's fixed permanently to the back of the canvas. So...
Permanently?
Well, that's why it's genius. It's actually stitched into the canvas itself.
You move the painting even a millimetre, all hell breaks loose.
Now, according to the spec on their website, as soon as movement is detected,
it sends a signal not only to all the alarms on site and the local nick,
but also to all the doors on site which are then locked permanently.
The Web can't be removed cos it's sewn into the canvas,
you can't bypass it because you can't get to it without moving the painting.
- Which you can't do cos that will trigger it. - Yeah.
So will we try and block the signal externally?
No, no, they're ahead of you.
The mesh has a sensor which detects when any kind of block's put on its signal.
Phew, sounds tough.
Yeah, I've never seen anything like it in me life.
Well, OK. So what's the solution?
There isn't one.
- What? - It does what it says on the tin.
- There is no way you can beat it. - Ash...
I'm sorry, Mick. I've been all round the houses. The simple truth is... it's impossible.
So, all that work for nothing.
It's not your fault, Ash.
Here...
don't reckon he's going to jump, do ya?
No, but I think I might.
- I think he's best left alone. - I'll just have a look.
No, Sean.
It's all right. He won't even know I'm there.
Sorry. I just thought I'd check you were all right.
So, what do we do now?
We walk away.
- Let them beat us? - You heard what he said. It can't be done.
But you told me that real grifters don't give up.
That they never know when they're beaten.
- Should I piss off now? - I think you'd better.
- Well? - We had a little chat.
- And? - And you were right.
He was best left alone.
Ash, can you get us into the gallery?
I can get you in anywhere, Mick. You know that.
But you cannot nick this painting.
And there's nothing to actually stop you moving the painting?
Well, no, but the second you do, the whole system kicks in.
You'll never get it out of the room, let alone the building.
Just work out how to get us in there. I'll worry about the rest.
- We take photo. - Oh, yes.
Go. You go stand about here. Back, back, back.
Forward, back, stop. Yes, yes.
Yes. Yes.
Very good. Very beautiful.
In the mirror.
Good.
Oh, yes, absolutely. It's been an amazing success.
Are you fans of his latest work?
Here are the gallery plans, Ash. Nice one.
All right.
Are these two really worth all this effort?
It's not them so much, it's... it's what they represent.
They belong to a world where the only important thing is financial gain.
That's all that matters.
So they create a system where only they can win.
Survival of the fittest.
The problem with keeping people under your thumb
is that after a while someone's likely to jump up and bite your hand off.
Someone like you.
Someone exactly like me.
Yeah, I'm starting to understand what you said before
about it not just being about the money.
Then you're halfway there.
Hmm.
OK, everyone. Let's get our heads in gear.
Ash, where are we?
Right.
I can get us in, but after that it's up to you.
Good. Then we should go tonight.
And here is how I think...
we steal this painting.
Oh.
You all right? Go easy on me. It's my first night. No tower blocks, eh?
Number seven. Whitehall. Where's your crew?
Where d'you think? They're out stuffing their faces. I'll pick them up on the way.
What about the alarm?
There's only motion detectors on the corridors on the top floor.
It gets a bit more interesting when you get to the exhibition floors.
I'll disable the main alarm as soon as I get in there.
- You clearly had a misspent youth. - Oh, you don't know the half of it.
Voilà.
Down here.
Albert was right.
It's quite something seeing you two in action first-hand.
If I'm not back in three hours, send a search party.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with B.
- Building? - No.
- Biro. - No.
I give in.
- You can't give in. Not after two gos. - Why not?
It shows a distinct lack of stickability.
Stickability? That's not even a word.
You can't have a lack of something that doesn't exist.
Of course it's a word.
Well, it isn't in the dictionary.
Neither is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, but it's still a word.
Well, not really. It's a song.
OK, it's a song...
about a word.
You just can't admit you're wrong, can you?
It's because I'm not.
- Well, there's a word for people like you. - Yeah?
A never-think-you-are-wrong-ist.
Hello, mate. How does an art gallery make so much rubbish, eh?
And freeze.
Now, let's clear the way.
- Broom? - No.
Bottle.
Where?
No.
- OK, go. - Copy.
So, what was it?
Bulb.
That's light bulb.
That should be an L.
Cheat.
Hello, sis. Fancy seeing you here.
Is "stickability" a word?
Hurry up.
They're out like a light.
Are you sure this is gonna work?
Well...
No.
Good morning. Morning, Roger.
- Morning, Brian. - Morning, sir.
Aidan!
It's gone.
Security! Security, need assistance...
Oh.
Harry! Harry! Listen, just get your arse in the car and get down there.
OK? Bye.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me!
Ow! Oh, shit! Shit!
Oh! Oh.
Ah, ahh.
Ah, Eddie, mate. That was the dog's wotsits.
- Mm, hear, hear. - Outstanding.
- Hmm. A work of art. - I dunno. I'm still not sure about this.
I'm telling you, this fusion thing, it's so yesterday.
This is hot off the press, this New London.
And The Ivy's really doing fry-ups?
Egg beans and chips is its new signature dish. Innit, Mick?
Absolutely.
Only you haven't always been honest with me.
- Do you know what I mean? - Well, I find that hard to believe.
- That's very hurtful, Eddie. - Well, I'm sorry. But, you know, you haven't.
Right. That's it. I cancel me order.
What?
I'm cancelling me breakfast order in protest. I don't expect a bill either.
- But you've eaten it. - It's a matter of principle.
You will not go to heaven.
Oh, he loves it. Keeps him on his toes.
Right.
What do you think? Is it time?
Yeah, I think so. Shall we?
No.
This is impossible.
Well, obviously it is sodding possible, you dick! Because the painting isn't there!
Shit.
You said it was foolproof, 100%!
- Well, it was! - Was it?
Was it really? Really? Then where's the bloody painting?
- Had the security doors been activated? - No.
- Alarms? - Nothing.
But they must have done!
The alarms sound and the doors lock if the painting's moved a millimetre.
Well, evidently they didn't.
OK. OK. Hold on. Hold on. But the gallery...
You've got your own insurance, right?
Yes. For everything.
Except the theft of this painting on your instructions.
Sh... shit.
No, no, no, this isn't happening. This... This isn't happening!
I'm afraid it is.
You!
I'm sorry, you can't come in here. Get them out, will you?
I think you'll really want to hear what we have to say.
Really? Really? Really? Bit busy right now!
- So I can see. - I said get them out.
All right, all right. No need.
But you'll never know where your painting is.
Wait.
Are you telling me you had something to do with this?
No. I'm telling you I had everything to do with this.
OK.
I'm listening.
Alone.
- I really think we ought to call the police. - Shut up, please! Shut up!
Give me five minutes, all right? Then you can call in the bloody household cavalry!
I really, really hope you're not wasting my time.
Ash.
Uh-uh-uh. Mm-mm-mm.
- Where is it? - Somewhere safe.
What makes you think I won't call the police?
Because the painting was last valued upwards of three million pounds
which you and Mr. Knob here
have personally guaranteed the gallery, should it be stolen.
Now you can call the police, get us locked up, taken away,
but whatever happens to us,
you still have to pay out should that painting not be found. Tell me if I'm going too fast.
Not to mention your security system would be ruined if this ever got out.
A bit like you two.
You might have to cut back on the champagne and caviar.
- What do you want? - Sean.
Do you know I always preferred brunettes?
This is Mrs. Fowler.
Paul Fowler's widow.
It was his company that developed Spider's Web.
The company you cheated. So first...
I would like you to sign this.
- What is it? - It's a contract.
I know how keen you are on them.
It guarantees Mrs. Fowler...
sole ownership of Spider's Web.
- And if we don't sign? - Shut up, Harry.
How do I know I can trust you?
That you'll return the painting to me?
Because if I don't, Spider's Web will be discredited
and Mrs. Fowler won't get a penny.
And unlike you, I will not allow that to happen.
Oh, thank you very much.
- Carl... - Oh, just sign the bloody forms.
Oof!
Now where is it?
We're not quite finished yet.
On here you'll see your account details.
You bastard.
- How much? - 500,000.
What?
Yes. Half as a gesture of good faith for Mrs. Fowler,
the other half for us. Call it a finder's fee.
Once it's done, you have my word, you'll get the painting.
Oh. Oh...
500 thousand or three million.
How's your maths?
How's maths... Good. That's good. How's my math?
Arse! Arse!
Now where is my bloody painting?
Ash, would you care to do the honours?
Why is it working-class people are so violent?
Are you sure this is gonna work?
No.
You see, unlike you I am not a thief.
You know, I can still call the bloody police.
- And tell them what? - Tell them that you...
You st...
That you stole my painting.
Oh, yeah.
And we sent details of all your bogus companies
to the Intellectual Property Office.
So you won't be cheating anyone else.
Yes, well. Two can bloody play at that game.
Then we'll take you down with us.
We'll let everyone know that New London Media is run by a bunch of crooks.
- You'll never work in this town again. - Oh, boy.
Well, I... I guess we'll just have to live with that.
You really are a bloody moron.
- What? - No?
I'm starting to really enjoy this.
Oh, so you want to be a grifter now, do you?
It was no fun with you, you know. There was too much running about
- And people trying to beat us up. - Oh, thanks very much.
Don't worry. We get a bit of that too.
- Well, that could have gone worse. - That was a beautiful thing you did.
Yes, it was.
Albert said you were a genius.
That's the thing, you see.
Real grifters never know when they're beaten. I told him that.
- You told me that? - Did I or did I not utter those words?
- Well, technically, yes. - Well, then technically I'm right.
Well, I thought you did very well, Sean.
Oh, yeah. Apart from getting drunk and passing out twice.
- Wait, I explained that. - Don't worry, Sean.
Ash is right. You did good. You too.
- Ooh. Thank you. - Do you know which bit I liked best?
The look on their faces when they realised we had them.
And the sweetest thing of all, it couldn't have happened to two nicer blokes.
- I love being a grifter. - Yeah, it's better than work, innit?
Yeah, you meet such interesting people.
Do you reckon I can make it, though, Mickey?
No. I mean, really make it?
Well, there are two things you need to be a grifter.
The first thing you know already: Grifters never know when they're beaten.
- There's something else you need. - What's that?
- Stickability. - Stickability?
Don't listen to him, Sean. He thinks he's being funny.
It's not a word. It's not. I've looked it up. It's not a word.